We were created for connection with God and with each other. God existed before he created humans in a perfect relationship within the Trinity (Father, Son, and Spirit). There was no need for others, because this was a perfect relationship. No one felt left out, all needs were met, no jealousy or competition, just perfect love. We were created, not to fill a need in God, but to share this perfect intimacy with him and with others.
How was this designed to happen? In a perfect world, there would be one emotionally, spiritually healthy man, and one emotionally, spiritually healthy woman. These two have a biological baby. I know this is not the way many of us began, or how many families look today. Please don’t read any shame into this-we don’t live in a perfect world. My family doesn’t look like this, and I’ll bet yours doesn’t either. Wouldn’t it be nice, though?
Baby has a need. She cries. Mom or Dad meet the need. Baby feels comforted and secure. As this cycle repeats, she begins to trust that Mom and Dad will meet her needs in the future. She connects to them. She feels safe in voicing her needs, and feels worthy of them being met. She learns to trust that others will meet her needs, so she continues to ask.
As she grows up, this trust is extended to teachers, friends and relatives. If others respond to her needs in the same way, she grows to be a loving, compassionate, person who can extend empathy and trust to other people.
Most people did not grow up having two healthy parents, getting the majority of their needs met in this way. Ask yourself these questions to see if you grew up with a safe sense of connection:
Is it easy for you to trust?
Did you respect others?
Did your parents understand your behavior?
Were your feelings allowed?
Did your parents teach you to feel your feelings and how to deal with them appropriately?
Were you allowed to be a kid?
Did you learn how to fill your emotional tank?
Did you learn independence and dependence?
Did you learn to take turns?
Can you accept good and bad?
Do you know how to wait?
Can you say no?
Can you take risks?
Can you ask for help?
Can you work toward compromise?
Can you say you’re sorry?
Not many of us came from homes with emotionally, spiritually healthy parents. That’s because they didn’t either! Nor did their parents! This isn’t about blame. We all do the best we can.
What if we could learn to heal this wound, get healthier, connect more deeply with others and change the course of our families? Guess what? We CAN! Stay tuned!
For coaching help with your relationships, or to understand yourself better, please go to: http://www.carrieotoole.com/guidance-coaching.php
This blog written by Carrie O’Toole, Colorado Life Coach