Colorado Life Coach: This eagle and my new computer

Eagle in Alaska

I bought a new computer. I’m an adult and run a ministry. I have the money, I’m a smart person, and I’m responsible for my own decisions.

As I picked up the computer, I sensed something telling me I made the wrong choice, it wouldn’t work for me, and I messed it all up.

When I got home, I opened the box and turned on the computer. The screen was smaller than I remembered, and I couldn’t think of a password to set up the computer. I suddenly felt like I was in trouble. The feeling is so familiar to me.

My anxiety started again.

I logically know that no matter what happens with this new computer, I will be OK. I didn’t kill anyone. I won’t die if my computer doesn’t work perfectly. I paid with my debit card and didn’t go into debt. Even if I can’t figure out how to use some of the functions, I bought the Apple One-on-One classes, so I can find someone to help me.

I know all of this logically.

And yet, something inside me still feels like a little kid who did something wrong and is about to get in trouble.

It really is ridiculous!

I’m tired of it!

I’ve been working with a counselor to help me figure out where these triggers come from and how to stop them from messing with me. I do get it. I understand why I feel this way. When I spend a little time processing, it makes sense. I still wish I didn’t get triggered in the first place.

Does anyone relate?

Do you ever have those moments when you’re just going about your own business and something hits you out of the blue? You’re not doing anything wrong, but you certainly feel triggered by something.

I am so very thankful for God. He gets me. He isn’t the one whispering the negative comments into my ear. He’s not beating me up for buying the wrong computer (or spending too much, or buying at the wrong time, or…). Even if I totally screw it up, he’s the one waiting for me. He’s the one telling me he loves me no matter what I do. He’s the only one who will always love me no matter what. He’ll help me fix it if I do mess up. He takes my blunders and creates something awesome out of them!

God is the one who gave this crazy, anxious, rage-filled, judgmental, driven woman, who was totally broken, the new name, “Brilliant.”

So after I cried because I felt like I was in trouble, I found the dumb password. Then God calmed my anxious heart.

Here’s my first blog on my new MacBook Air.

Thank you for it, God. Thank you that even if I had screwed everything up, you still allow me to write and others to read my words.

So what’s an eagle have to do with any of this? Not much without a stretch, so here goes: I feel like I can really soar sometimes, but my landings aren’t always pretty. My son took this picture in Alaska last year. It’s so majestic! I love how the eagle can catch the tree from whatever angle it approaches. And here’s the big stretch: God catches me no matter what my approach looks like. He makes me look really good sometimes, just like this awesome eagle!

This post written by Colorado Life Coach, Carrie O’Toole.

 

2 Comments

  1. Oh wow! I can relate SO MUCH to this post… even if it was written a while ago and you no longer have any of these triggers…!

    I also walk through a lot of this with a counselor and trusted mentors who have been so steady through my various seasons of pain and difficulties and “triggers” that come up so frequently.

    It is so comforting to know others go through this as well. I do the very same thing with purchases that cost me a lot of money. But then again, I also do it with purchases that I got at a discount and deal because then I have other fears that my purchase will be a “lemon” compared to others who would somehow be immune to this. Somehow putting myself in a box that these things don’t happen to others, only me, and thus, increasing my sense of isolation and shame in being ‘the only one’ that these things happen to. And even if others make ‘the wrong choice’, that they will be better for it, but I’ll be screwed 🙂

    I am just having to learn to be very aware of my triggers so I can name them, bring them into the light, and make a choice (over and over and over again) not to walk through the door that takes me into the room (or dungeon) of despair. I think the triggers hit me so hard because I think because I feel the trigger, that I’ve already jumped right into the room. But in reality, it’s an echo of having been in the room before, but the trigger is only the doorway and I have a choice not to go and LIVE in that room. I guess I thought over time that the triggers would disappear (and in some ways, they are lessening in frequency and in strength), so as I speak truth and life and acceptance and kindness over myself when the trigger hits, I think the healing is that I recover faster and don’t get stuck in the dungeon as long as I used to.

    On another note, MACBOOK AIR’S are amazing computers! Definitely a wonderful (and reasonable) choice. And the Mac One-to-One classes are GREAT!

    Blessings,
    Alison

  2. Hi Alison, I don’t know how I missed this comment for so long, but thank you! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and to write your response.

    I totally understand wanting the triggers to just go away. I love how you say they are “an echo of having been in the room before.” Sometimes it feels like I have a choice, other times it feels like it just overpowers me. I continue to heal, and thank you for your insights!

    Still loving my MACBOOK Air!

    Carrie

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