Stupid!   You’re so stupid!   Why did you do that, say that?   Why can’t you just be quiet!   Why do you talk so much?   You feel too deeply!   If you hadn’t…then…wouldn’t have happened!   You never have to wonder what SHE’S feeling!   You take too much work!   You’re too difficult!   Why can’t we just live instead of always having to work on something?   Why can’t you ever be happy?

Those were questions I heard most of my life from my family, friends, Satan. My heart longed for God, for His comfort, for His love, for His affirmation that I was OK just as I was.

My religion growing up didn’t emphasize a “personal relationship” with God.   In fact, in my teens I asked my mom about those “born again” Christians.   She explained that some of us were born into Christian families, but others weren’t.   Our faith grew steadily throughout our lives, but God had to take those other people to their knees to have faith.   I never understood why God treated those other people so harshly, and why I was one of the lucky ones to be born into a Christian family.

Life went on and difficulties hit.   My heart longed for that “personal relationship” with God.   Once again, why did some people seem to hear from God and have the ability to talk to Him while I couldn’t?   If I was born into a Christian family, why couldn’t I have that kind of relationship with God?

During a particularly difficult time of infertility problems, I sought out the help of our church priest.   I talked to him about my longing to hear God speak to me.   He promised me that if we prayed together that day, I would hear God speak.   I prayed harder than I had ever prayed.   He prayed for me.   I listened to the best of my ability, which at that time meant trying to ignore all the racing thoughts and things I needed to do when I left.   I couldn’t seem to focus and felt stupid once again.   I truly felt like something was wrong with me.   Why could the priest hear from God, and not me?   He prayed with me and for me, but I couldn’t hear.   I finally told him I heard something so I could leave!   That episode convinced me I would never hear from God and shouldn’t even bother trying, because the rejection I felt was overwhelming.

Years passed.   I searched for God.   I joined a bible study and understood that even if I was born into a Christian family, my relationship with God was my responsibility and didn’t pass down through my genes.   I had to get things right with God.   I became one of those “born again” people who fell to my knees in front of the God of the Universe as I understood how great He is, and how far apart I was from Him.

As I grew in my faith, I met a few people who seemed to really know God intimately.   They spoke of hearing God and knowing what He wanted for their lives.   These people had a glow about them that I longed for.   I wanted to be someone in whom God’s presence radiated!   When people saw me or spoke with me, I wanted them to see God in me.

In my early 40’s, I attended a women’s retreat with my church.   The speaker for the weekend led us through an experiential exercise that forever changed my relationship with God.   First, we picked out a rock from a basket.   My flat rock fit in the palm of my hand.   She asked us to paint a name we heard in our minds that accused us.   My word was easy to recall: Stupid.   Next, we painted the rock white until it covered this name.   My rock took several coats of paint.   This signified Christ taking away our old life, name, image, and sins.   As we let the white paint dry, the speaker had us pray and ask God to give us a new name.   My insides started jumping with anxiety.

Here we go again!   I’ll be the only one to not hear from God.   I didn’t even want to participate.   The fear of rejection was so great, that I almost left the room to ignore the exercise rather than not hear the voice of my Heavenly Father when I so desperately needed it.

God is so awesome!   None of this surprised Him!   He knew my fears and anxiety.   He knew my sense of rejection was high.   He knew I thought I’d be the only one to not hear His voice.   In His grace and mercy for me personally, He did what only He can do.   First, He gave me the courage to ask for a name before I ran out of the conference!   Next, He answered my prayer before I finished asking.   When this happened, I didn’t quite understand.   I prayed, “OK God, I would love to ask You something, but I’m afraid to even ask!”   Before I could even finish the request, I heard a word.   I didn’t hear it out loud, but sort of in my own voice deep down in my heart.   I heard the word “Brilliant.”

Now, you have to understand.   I never used the word brilliant.   It wasn’t even in my vocabulary.   I had struggled with questions like, “How do you know it’s God’s voice”?   “Am I just wanting to hear that, so I believe God is speaking when it’s really just my own thoughts?”

To keep me from going to those questions, God interrupted my question with His answer!   I knew that I couldn’t think up a question and an answer at the same time.   It was, dare I say, “Brilliant!”   Before my question had fully formed, the answer came.   It had to be God!   Not only that, but my new name did the 2 things my heart had longed for: 1. God sees me as Brilliant, not stupid, not annoying, not too much, not overwhelming, but Brilliant! and 2. Brilliant things shine!   They sparkle!   I wanted people to see God’s glory through me, and that is what Brilliant means!   He knew the longing of my heart and answered the question before I even asked it with the most perfect answer.

I am Brilliant!   God said so, and He is never wrong!

This blog written by Colorado Life Coach, Carrie O’Toole