Colorado Life Coach: The Last Day Before 50

IMG_0925I would love to be the expert.

I’m going to be 50 tomorrow, and I always thought by this time in my life, I’d be through learning all the hard lessons. I thought I’d have worked through the relational issues, and my family would be the example of how to do things right.

Here’s the truth:

My life has had it’s share of trauma, and because of this:

~My heart still hurts

~I cry a lot

~I only sleep through the night when I take medication

~I suffer from PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I didn’t know that parenting a traumatized child, would traumatize me.

~I struggle with self-esteem

~I find myself under spiritual attack regularly

~I have fought through mood disorders, and thankfully, I’m on the other side

~My marriage has not been easy. We’ve had great times together, but we still need help finding our way through the trauma. It is in no way easy, or light-hearted much of the time. We have to fight to stay together, and patch up the places that have been broken and battered through the years.

~Our family was traumatized. It wasn’t just a few rough years we experienced, it was trauma. We’re all still recovering. We’re having to learn new ways to communicate without triggering PTSD responses.

Life is hard…still.

I don’t know why, but I thought it would be easier by now.

Other people seem to “have it together.” I see pictures of people my age enjoying their empty nests, traveling, and beginning new adventures.

I bet from the outside, my life looks pretty good too. We take nice pictures. I have lots of facebook friends. I published a book.

We don’t talk much about the pain.

Now, I know people who talk ONLY about the pain. Life is horrible-everyday! They never see the blessings. They live as victims and don’t do anything to make their lives better. They just wallow in the suffering.

I also know people who try so hard. They get counseling or coaching. They read books on how to change their lives. They pray. They believe God. They seek out others to help them. And for some reason, life is still hard.

I don’t get it.

When I meet God face to face, I’ll ask about that. Why do some people suffer so much, and others seem to skate by in life? I’m glad he’s God and I’m not.

My good friend reminded me that my 50th birthday begins my Jubilee Year. I studied this years ago, but looked it up today. In the Biblical Book of Leviticus, a Jubilee year is mentioned to occur every fiftieth year, in which slaves and prisoners would be freed, debts would be forgiven and the mercies of God would be particularly manifest.

“The mercies of God would be particularly manifest.”

This is my prayer: “God, you’ve asked me to trust you. You’ve promised me that you would restore all these broken years. You’ve promised me the marriage I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl (since you put the dream in my heart anyway). Please restore my sleep, my health, heal my PTSD, heal my marriage, heal my family, and build this ministry into what you planned from the start. I know you’re not done with me yet! 50 is young! I have lots of time left, and I ask you to heal me, so you can use me to the full!”

Happy Jubilee to me.

This post written by Colorado Life Coach, Carrie O’Toole, M.A.


  1. Happy Birthday!

    Yes, I can identify with how parenting a traumatized child can be traumatizing. As an adopted child, I imagine I put my parents through normal amounts of trauma for that situation. And as a parent now, I have my portion as well.

    Have a great year~ God bless you.

  2. Hello Carrie, i just read your blog and you’re right. People appear to have it all together. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. People say they’re doing fine, doesn’t mean they are. We all can put on a good front and are charmatic phrase (Praise the Lord), doesn’t mean anything. We need more people like you and Joyce Meyer! Telling it like it is and still able to go on in life. You are a THROPY of GOD’S GRACE! He trust you to be able to endure this process. God is going to get GLORY out of your life. You will be able to help millions of people! Bless you and thank you for sharing your heart! ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Thank you Jeanette! I think it’s common to look at others’ lives and think ours is harder. That’s how I was feeling when I wrote this. And yet, you’re right–it is all about bringing glory to God. It’s not about me, it’s about him. Thanks for the encouragement. Thanks for reading, and taking the time to comment! Carrie

  4. Thank you Meredith! I hope you didn’t hear blame in my post. I totally understand the trauma adopted children (and others) endure, and it’s not their fault. I just didn’t realize how it would impact our family. All parents have their stuff to deal with for sure. Thanks for the birthday blessings! Carrie

  5. Happy Birthday…I joined you in your prayer & truely hope for peace for you & your family. I can relate to your rollercoaster. As you say, everyone has struggles & I know God only gives us what we can handel but he must have alot faith in us families he blesses with RAD kids ๐Ÿ˜‰

  6. Hi Myra, Thanks for the birthday wishes! Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my blog. Sounds like you know what I feel because you live it daily as well! RAD is such a tough thing to deal with, and I know God has a plan for us all in the midst of it. I don’t know that God only gives us what we can handle-I couldn’t handle lots of it–without God. Even with him, I couldn’t handle some, but he made it ok. I hope you have lots of support to help you stay sane in the midst! Good to meet you! Carrie

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