“You talk too much!”

“You’re really shy.”

“What were you thinking?”

“You think you’re perfect?”

We have lots of experience with people telling us who they think we are, and whether they approve. How much of that stays with us through our lives?

I’m a serious extravert! That means I get energy from being with people. It also means I can hardly think without words coming out of my mouth. For my introverted friends who think things through in a thoughtful manner and then say something profound, this is baffling. It can seem like I’m rambling, and maybe I am. The thing is, what they do internally, I do externally. Sometimes it feels like I’m going to explode if I have something I need to process and can’t find someone to talk to.

“You never have to wonder what SHE’S thinking!”

I heard that often growing up, and not necessarily in a positive way. As an adult, someone close to me said, “Just because you learned it, doesn’t mean we all have to learn it!” Because of these and other statements, I’ve tried to send the message that I don’t need to speak up. I used to be super outgoing and could make friends anytime, anywhere. Through the years, I noticed myself holding back. I didn’t want people to tell me to shut up because I talked too much. It hurt.

So I held back.

Several years ago, my husband and I attended The Ultimate Leadership Workshop, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. We spent a week in California learning about leading from your character, what our character weaknesses were, and processing this in groups. My group told me late in the week that I needed to speak up sooner They noticed I usually let everyone else go before I would make a comment.

Interesting.

I had tried so hard to stop what I thought was annoying to people, and now they were asking me to speak sooner and more often. They valued what I had to say.

Like many people, I’ve experience some tough things in life, and I’ve learned much from it. One of my gifts is sharing what I’ve learned with others. I love researching, processing the information, and figuring out how to share it with those I love. I’m good at it, and it’s been helpful to others.

And I still struggle with feeling I have nothing to offer.

I’m currently running a relationship group that I developed. It’s really great information and I believe it can help change people’s lives. Yet, I struggle figuring out how to talk about it. I don’t want to sound egotistical, or that I’m trying to force my information down people’s throats.

Yesterday I got an email from a current member of my group. She told me she thought I had undersold the group with my promotional flyer. From her email:

“You didn’t undersell it in your intro with us last week (ie: you can change your legacy), but I’m not sure if your pdf. encompasses the breadth of it. I really am crazy excited about this class. I left feeling privileged too, like you’re probably one of the few people that have ever done so much research on attachment, that I was privy to something life-changing. I have high hopes after last week, ‘cuz it was just that good!”

Wow! Sometimes I forget that what I have learned really is important and others could benefit. The messages I received have been holding me back. I don’t want my fear of being told it’s not important and no one wants to hear what I have to say to stop me from getting this message to those who truly want it.

It may not be for everyone! But it is for many! I’ve been given a message of hope and healing and I’m going to share it with anyone who wants it.

How about you? What have the messages you received told you, and how do they effect the messages you send about yourself?

This post written by Colorado Life Coach, Carrie O’Toole.